Overwhelmed

Today I went to the Yuba River after class with a friend from school. It was utterly lovely. The day was hot (its been around 100 degrees for the last ten days or so straight) and water was exactly what I needed. First off, most everything around here is some degree of gorgeous. This particular section of the river has a lovely, big simming hole with fun boulders, currents, small waterfalls and rapids-y-thingies. We swam and clambered over boulders (sometimes totally in the water, sometimes totally out and often somewhere in between) up the river for a ways and then did a similar thing on the way down. The way down went faster, but I also got into a rougher route than I really intended. At one point I started to get sucked into a current that would take me into a fairly nasty bit that you don't want to tumble through and a strange woman (she wasn't that strange, we just hadn't been introduced) saved me. Later I did end up going over a small waterfall. It was somewhat intentional as it seemed like the easiest option from where I was but wasn't really what I wanted to do. Most everyone else seemed to careen over and pop up quite quickly. I managed to get shot into some different chute that swirled me around under water for a while bashing me into a few different rocks. I eventually emerged among some people who helped pull me right-side-up. The right ankle did get fairly bashed and there is some more notable damage in a meaty section of my back that is pretty stiff now, but we (me, myself, and I) are hoping that I wake up fully-healed tomorrow.

I tell this story because it seems illustrative of how I've been feeling about life today. Its exciting and fun, but I've been feeling rather overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by school a bit - that is probably the most tangible thing I could latch onto as the source of this overwhelmed-ness. There is so much that we are learning in such a short amount of time and I don't see how I'll be able to let it all sink in even if I did have more time between training for the bike ride, wanting to hang out with friends and family, dealing with lingering moving details and so on.

But also feeling overwhelmed by everything in general. I've been really excited and am really happy with all the changes I've made in the last two months and know that it has been the right thing, but there have been so many (so so so many) really huge changes and I don't know where I'm going with all of them (or any of them!) I don't think I've really had time to process what is going on. And I'm struggling a bit with having the faith to trust that it will work out "okay." A big part of me knows that and can rationalize it, but the more emotional side of me is sorta wiggin' out.

Like today at the river - it is beautiful and fun and I wouldn't change anything I did, but I also feel a little bit like I'm falling over that waterfall and am being totally swept away by currents I have no control over. Its going so fast, I'm having a bit of trouble breathing and I don't know where I'll end up or how bashed, bruised and broken I might get in the process! So maybe look at the prayer flags here (from when I was in Ladakh) and send me some soothing, calming, reassuring, healing vibes...